23/05/2015

MEAM: Reminders.

For those who don't know, for M.E. awareness month (May) I am writing a post, despite my severe illness, every single day. I'm doing this to raise money and awareness for the neurological chronic illness M.E. and the charity Invest In M.E.in the hope that one day we may find a cure. So, I'd really love if you'd head over to my JustGiving page and sponsor me throughout this challenge. Thank you.

{I wrote one sentence last night and had to stop - there was a huge noisy ass fly stuck in the curtains and Michael was out walking Izzy. My ear plugs were on the other side of the room so I tried stuffing my ears with toilet roll! Didn't work well so I rent Michael and just shouted at the phone that I couldn't hear him and he had to come home. By the time he got back I had my fingers in my ears and was in floods of tears. But, it had gone! Stupid bloody fly!

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Everywhere i look there are reminders. Reminders of what i've lost, what i can't do, and might never be able to do. You turn on the tv and no matter what you watch, there will be a reminder. I love This Morning, but they talk about days out, shopping with Gok and recipes you can make. But, i can't leave the bed to go to the kitchen, i can only online shop but i have very little money, i can't wear fancy clothes and try things on, i won't be able to leave the flat this summer to go anywhere exciting and i won't even have the curtains open to see the flowers and bright blue skys (i know, i live in England, but go with me). I think the worst thing for me is missing out on the experiences. And, what's worse, is the thought of Michael missing out on these things because of me. It's an awful feeling, when you've been with someone since 15, but you've never been able to do all the 'rights of passage' that everyone else our age has done. Yeah, we went to a few parties when i was first ill and we went on one holiday with Michael's Dad, but that is no way near enough for me. I wanted to travel, learn to be a veterinary nurse, go to festivals, dance the night away, live in Brighton, etc. And most of all, i want Michael to experience everything, not be stuck with me. So, when i see pictures on Instagram of people living their lives and doing everything i want for us, when i read blogs about little outings or when we watch a movie and they're going to festivals or dancing all night, i find it had. This is something i don't talk about much, i just get on with it and Michael can attest to that, i'll get upset about it maybe once/twice a year. But, yesterday, after my health has just been constantly declining, i got very upset about it. I tell Michael he can go, he can do all of those things but he tells me no, that he doesn't care, and that all those things don't matter as long as we're together. So i'll keep going, in the hope that one day, even if we're 60 years old, we'll go to festivals, see elephants in the wild and drive round America. We will do it. And oyu haveto beleive it too.

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